[***]
Who here knows what a Christmas Club is?
Oh, isn't that where morons put money in the bank
to get 2 percent interest instead of the normal 5?
Uh, yeah.
Anyway, I've got one of these Christmas Club things,
and was able to save a pretty penny this year.
So, in addition to our annual Christmas feast at Denny's,
this year we're getting presents.
Oh! I can't believe it.
This'll be the worst Christmas I ever had.
I'll wind up home alone sitting in the dark.
That is... unless some friends invite me over.
[CONSOLINGLY] Oh.
Poor Marcie. I feel so bad for her.
So, Al, we're really gonna get presents!
Yeah! You betcha! Ha-ha!
I pick up the money tomorrow morning.
This is gonna be the greatest Bundy Christmas ever!
[LAUGHS]
["DECK THE HALLS" PARTY MUSIC PLAYING]
KELLY: Daddy!
Oh! Daddy!
BOTH: Give me! Give me! Give me! Give me!
Oh.
Now, kids, give your father a chance to relax.
Make room.
Give me! Give me! Give me! Give me!
Oh, Dad!
Give us our presents!
I love you! Give us our presents!
Family!
I think we've fallen a tad short
of the true meaning of Christmas.
It's about love, about family.
I think something's rotten in the state of Denver, Mom.
Don't worry.
Even a dullard like your father isn't stupid enough
to come home without presents.
I don't like the looks of this, Mom.
Yeah, he does have that just-plugged-the-toilet grin
on his face.
I think he's empty.
Let's check it out.
So, Al, I, uh, noticed you're not burdened down
with presents for your loving family.
Are they, uh, in the car?
Well, no.
Are they, uh, being delivered?
No.
Are they... invisible?
Well, you guys get to ask the good questions.
If, for once, you'd let me go first, I would have asked...
Shh.
Honey.
Okay, Al, enough of this loving-family crap.
What did you do?
Well, I'm going to be honest with you, Peg.
You see, I was coming home with great presents,
when I was surrounded by a band of...
bears and Indians.
Daddy, are you okay?
Rest, Kelly.
Snookums,
you know, if you really did come home with no presents,
we wouldn't mind, would we, kids?
No, Mom.
I would.
I mean, no, I wouldn't, Mom.
We wuv our Daddy, right, kids?
Right, Mom. Right, Mom.
There.
You feel better now, Al?
Yes, I do, Peg.
Then give us our presents.
You do have presents, don't you, Al?
And we kissed your hand and called you Daddy.
The bank closed.
Yeah, right. Yeah, you rotten mullet-head.
It wasn't my fault.
I did everything that I could.
A real Daddy would have held up a liquor store.
They're open till 6, you know.
Now, kids, I'm sure your father has a good reason
for not taking that money out yesterday.
Tell us the reason, witless.
I wanted to get that extra day of interest.
Oh, that would have been what... About 3 cents, Al?
Hey, that would have been our waitress's tip at Denny's.
Thank your father for flushing another Christmas, kids.
BOTH: Thanks, Dad.
Hey, just because we don't have presents
doesn't mean we can't have Christmas.
Daddy, Christmas without presents
is like Thanksgiving without pizza.
Oh, well, I suppose there are a lot of families much worse off
than us at Christmas.
Of course, they're all living in trees and worshipping sticks.
But, let's make the best of it.
Let's go to Denny's.
I have 8 bucks.
That's enough for three of us to eat.
Ha-ha. I guess we'll all have to draw straws.
Well, I don't mind doin' that
'cause I don't think I should have to do it,
since I do work all year...
I am gonna buy presents on the 26th.
...but I think to be fair,
I'll have to, uh...
Bring me back some pie crust.
Well, let's see how the lights work.
[GRUNTS]
That's just great. They hang there all year long.
The one lousy time you want 'em to work...
Well, it's a wonderful life.
I don't know.
Sometimes, I think it might have been better if I was never born.
[BUZZING]
MAN: Hey, buddy.
You all right?
Ah, there you are.
Yeah.
You're okay.
You're gonna be fine.
Well, thanks, buddy. Uh... who are you?
I'm a guardian angel.
Matter of fact, I'm looking for, uh,
an Al Bundy.
Do you know an Al Bundy?
I'm Al Bundy.
Noooo!!
Could you stop playing Nintendo up there for a minute?!
What kind of a mess have you gotten me into?!
What have you done to me?!
[SOBS]
There, there, buddy.
Uh, how about I go get my gun
and shoot you with a nice silver bullet?
[MOANS]
Would you like that, buddy?
You'll just have to give me a minute with this, Bundy.
I thought I was here to save a human soul.
That's all right. Never mind.
Hold on a minute.
Oh, thanks a lot!
You can turn water into wine,
but you can't send me with any booze, huh?!
Love ya!
Oh, I get it.
You're one of my wife's relatives.
I've never seen one upright before.
No, much like a neutered dog, you don't get it, Bundy.
Read my lips.
I'm your guardian angel.
Oh, I see. Hell, I gotta apologize.
I just thought you were a nut.
Well, I'll get my guitar and call Elvis.
The three of us will rock in the New Year.
Hey, it's no sleigh ride for me either, Bundy.
Usually, on Christmas,
I'd be over at Moses' house.
I'd be out by the pool, waiting for the new guy
to jump off the board.
And then Mo parts the water.
[LAUGHS]
Now, that's Christmas!
That's Christmas, man.
Yeah, but I sort of fell from grace.
They, uh... They caught me scalpin' tickets
to a Jimi Hendrix concert.
And here I am. But enough about me.
What's it gonna take to convince you that
I'm your guardian angel?
Make my Christmas lights work.
[FINGERS SNAP]
That's amazing.
You are an angel. Hey, I want another wish.
Aren't you supposed to get three?
Hey, don't be a wish pig, Bundy, all right?
You want three wishes? Get a genie.
Besides, anything that I can't get a receipt for
comes out of my own pocket.
Aw, come on.
Just give me one more.
Turn the lights back off, and give me the Hee Haw girls.
I've been sittin' around waitin' for them to die myself.
[LAUGHS]
I know you think you got it tough.
Your wife doesn't respect you.
Your kids think you're a failure.
A good day for you is when you don't come across
any new foot diseases.
Believe me, I sympathize.
But you think your life reeks?
Take a whiff of mine, pal.
My wife gained 100 pounds for every year we were married.
We had two kids. I think she ate 'em. I don't know.
I hated drivin' home so much,
I had vanity plates written up that said, "Hit me. "
But despite it all... she loved me.
You know how I know?
Because she told me!
Oh, yeah, when I was at work,
she loved my father, my brother, my bookie.
But when I found my grandfather's teeth in my bed
under the pillow, then I knew there was trouble in paradise.
That's when I did what any other man would do, Bundy.
I canceled my insurance, and I hung myself.
Showed her, huh?
[LAUGHS]
And you're here to help me, huh?
That I am, my man.
See, if I help you, I get my wings.
And that means a lot up there, especially with the chicks.
If I get wings, I get to pick up on the girls who died young.
Well, that sounds great for you,
but what are you gonna do for me?
Show me that my life can only get worse?
What are you gonna do? Give me two more wives? Three more kids?
Make me a... Make me a White Sox fan?
No, Bundy. We're gonna take a little trip.
Just like you wondered, I'm gonna show you
what it would've been like if you'd never been born.
Let's party.
[FINGERS SNAP]
[HUMS "HOME, SWEET HOME"]
Peg!
It's me... and my angel.
She doesn't know you're there, Bundy,
Just like when you're havin' sex.
[LAUGHS]
Wait a second.
She's cooking.
She told me she was allergic to fire.
Gee, that's weird.
I guess after I died, women started lyin', huh?
Hello, Mother.
Oh, you're home a trifle late, dear.
Oh, yes, I know.
Regrettable, but necessary.
I had to stop on the way home to soundly thrash a bully,
who was making lewd and suggestive comments
to some female school chums.
Oh, Mother, when will men realize that the delicate flower
of womanhood must be allowed to bloom in freedom?
You're such a fine young man.
I knew it would pay to breastfeed you
till you were 9.
Do you need any money, dear?
Oh, no. I could never take money from you.
You and Father have given me the greatest gift of all:
the gift of life.
Would he feel it if I kicked him?
No, but for a little extra cash,
I could give him your dog's face.
Would you take an IOU?
Not from you.
Hello, Mama!
I'm home from college.
College?
She flunked lunch in high school.
Good news.
They're publishing my poetry in French.
Oh. Oh.
Oh, Budrick.
Mwah. Mwah.
You look fabulous.
You really must be popular with the ladies.
Well, I've broken a few hearts, but gained some good friends.
And you, dear sister, are you still frigid?
Yes, but pleasures of the flesh muddy the thinking.
She's right, you know.
I saved myself for marriage.
Oh, come on!
The football team retired her jersey.
I mean, what kind of guy would marry her
if she wasn't puttin' out?
* I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus *
It's Daddy! It's Daddy!
Ho-ho! Family!
Oh, Daddy!
Dear heart!
Ha-ha-ha!
Oh.
[GIGGLES]
There they go again.
You know those wings you been wantin'? Yeah.
You think you can make a pair out of this guy's kidneys?
Hey, don't worry about him, Bundy.
I checked into his future.
By the time he's 60, his stomach is so ulcer-ridden
that... Oh. Oh, that's you.
Sorry, man. Sorry.
So, how was your day, honey?
Oh, wonderful as every day since we met.
Am I the only one who can taste the bile?
Oh, by the way, dear, I didn't have a chance
to finish the Christmas cookies.
I had a run-in with a shoe salesman today.
There she goes. She's leavin' him.
No one can resist a shoe salesman.
I was only trying on shoes for a couple of hours,
and he barked at me.
He was a rude, smelly, uneducated, little man. Hmph.
Imagine, a grown man selling shoes for a living. Ha-ha!
But let us remember the old adage,
"I lamented I had no shoes until I saw the man who sold them. "
I'll bet you're all wondering where your presents are.
Oh, Father...
you needn't get us anything.
What?!
Oh, yes.
Your love and guidance all these years means more to us
than any store-bought bauble.
Oh... I...
I just love you guys so much.
Well, gee, this was fun.
What do we do next?
Go back in time to the day I should have been conceived?
Watch my father invent the condom?
No.
No more time travel for me.
It gives me the runs.
Besides, Bundy, you're the one that wanted
to see what life would be like if you'd never been born.
So grin and bear it.
Family, I have a little announcement.
I do have a special Christmas present for everyone.
I've watched you all suffer in this hovel for years,
but over the years,
I've been saving, and that, along with Mommy's sewing money,
has allowed me to buy us a new house.
A mansion, really.
So how about joining me in a "Whoa, Jablonski. "
TOGETHER: Whoa, Jablonski!
[MOUTHING] Whoa, Jablonski?
Oh, Norman, what a special Christmas.
Let's just stand here and love each other.
Kids.
I love you.
ALL: I love you.
Now, that's the straw that broke the camel's back.
I'm sorry, Bundy. I failed you.
I was supposed to show you why you should live,
but I can't think of one darn reason.
I'll never get my wings now.
And you know what kind of woman you get in heaven
drivin' around in a '78 Pinto?
The same kind of woman you get down here
drivin' around a '78 Pinto.
God, I'm depressed.
Well, that's better.
Wait a second.
I wanna be back with my family.
Why?
Look at them. They're happy.
Not a care in the world.
You think I'm gonna let that happen
after all the grief they put me through?
I want to live!
Bundy, are you serious?
That means I'm gonna be an angel!
I'm gonna get my wings!
I'm gonna be a real angel!
But first...
First I'm gonna go take a look at my ex-wife.
You really did love her, huh?
No.
No, I just wanna put a package of Ding Dongs just out of reach
of her porkpie fingers.
And then, as she oozes that thousand-pound bulk
over the table,
lifts up three of her chins
so she's able to put one of 'em into her mouth,
I'm gonna turn 'em into me!
A 20-year-old rotting corpse!
How do you like that, Thelma?
Daddy's home for Christmas!
You pig! You slut!
Take a bite of this, Shamu!
Aah!
PEGGY: Al, get up!
Peg.
You know me?
Well, of course, I know you.
Why do you think I didn't help you up?
Come on, kids, let's go inside.
Knowing your father, he'll catch pneumonia,
cough on us, and we'll all get sick.
Out of the way, Al.
Yeah, you rotten...
KELLY: God.
[DOOR SLAMS]
Bud, quick...
What's more important: love or money?
Well, money, Dad. I can always rent love.
[LAUGHS]
Kelly, quick...
What's the color of an orange?
No multiple choice?
You mean, just straight off the top of my head?
Ha, no. Don't worry about it, pumpkin.
Peg, bake me some Christmas cookies.
Drop dead, Al.
[LAUGHING] All right!
Well, I'm glad you're in a good mood.
You know, they raised the Christmas platter
at Denny's 50 cents.
So we had to go to the Spud Hut for their Holiday Tater Feast.
Thanks a lot, Al.
This is the worst Christmas I've ever had.
Yeah, me too. This reeks.
Just a regular orange?
[LAUGHS]
I've got my family back.
ANGEL: Okay, heaven, I'm back.
Open up the gates.
What do you mean, where's my badge?
It's in my luggage.
They lost my luggage?
Ow, ow. Ow! Aah!
[***]
* It's beginning To look a lot like Christmas *
* Everywhere you go *
* Take a look In the five-and-ten *
* Glistenin' once again *
* With candy canes And silver lanes aglow *
* It's beginning To look a lot like Christmas *
* Toys in every store *
* But the prettiest sight To see *
* Is the holly that will be *
* On your own front door *
* On your own *
* Front *
* Door *
CHORUS: Merry Christmas!